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Feeling failure

February 13, 2012

We seem to be programmed to either be positive or to be consistantly whining. I feel like I’ve lost my voice in more ways than the actual ‘sound’ of it! I want to shout, “hurray, yesterday I accomplished so much!” I want to say I woke this morning feeling healthy, happy…grounded. I find myself NOT writing because sometimes ‘happy’ isn’t there. Then I began to see the light…it was the happiness of a video that made me believe I could magically transform my Grandson from not communicating, to suddenly happily making statements. It was the utter stupidity of taking in something that had probably gone on for some length of time, and so desperately wanting it… that it left me heading to bed unable to sleep and waking today in tears! Then I tried to blog about the event and hit publish and it vanished, again leaving me with this feeling of lack of voice. I guess that is when I sat still and decided to at least really hear what I wanted my voice to say. It’s not a whine to be honest. Yesterday I failed. I sat down with a heartful of hope and mind full of faith at a new method of moving my Grandson into the realm of communication. The only communication I received was a child in tears, the only statement was, “I can’t, I can’t!” My heartfelt joy crashed harder than any words can express. I not only saw nothing moving forward but seemed to see things go backwards. He spent the day ‘flapping’ more than usual. He tried to bite me twice, something that has not happened since he was very small. It was just, a very bad day. I love this boy so incredibly much. “Please God, tell me how to help him be all that he can and all that he wants to be!” I am hurting today, I woke in pain, woke up sad, woke up scared and then wanted to hop on here and feed everyone hope and happiness…isn’t that just more of my own super-woman complex? I will do anything and everything to help my Grandson come out of the shell he seems to be in…but I will not lie about the bad days or the hard times we go through while doing it. There is no magic, this is hard work for all of us. I don’t believe you will set out 3 cards and by rewarding with small treats…suddenly see a non-communicative child start saying words or pointing out objects. I don’t believe in magical cures. I’m not sure what I believe in or what our future does hold. All I know is that I will keep fighting onward, keep loving our little boy…keep praying…and keep listening and trying every single thing I hear may help him. No, today is NOT a positive day, I imagine somewhere in my future I will have more days like this! Someday though, something will break and my Grandson will finally run through the door shouting my name and asking me where I hid his bag of chips…<it’s a good thing this is a computer and not old fashioned paper or you’d see it tear soaked> Yeah, today really is a bad day. I wanted to use this blog to record the changes in my Grandson, what works and what doesn’t work… Here is the thing though, when I follow other blogs that only speak of the positive moments it causes me to feel I’m failing when I don’t get the same results…so in this blog you will get the truth. The good, the bad…the ugly. Not because I am whining, but because when you wake day to day facing this struggle, you just need the truth! So here’s to the next moment with my Grandson, here’s to the next success….and just because the last attempt was an epic fail…I know in my heart it could possibly have just been what I said before, a very bad day for both of us…so here’s to the bad days, because without them, I’d have nothing this important to work for, nothing of this magnitude to look forward to… and last but never least, ‘here’s to my Granson…just the way he is on his good days and his bad ones!’

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From → A Day In Life...

5 Comments
  1. Oh hun… I know how hurt you must feel. It is human nature to see something that works and want so badly for it to work for you and your wonderful grandson.

    Let me just say this. Keep trying! With the boy that I blogged about who used his iPad successfully to communicate… it took months for that success. It is something that takes time. Remember, we all have a lot of failures before successes. Remember when you learned to ride a bike.. there were training wheels and your daddy’s hand (or mom’s) and then there were several spills before you finally soared down the street.

    Even us “normal” folk have our failures and successes.

    Your boy is brilliant and CAN do things. Stick with it… find his reward… keep trying… AND most importantly don’t forget that you have support…. from me…. forever. You know where to find me!!

    Gentle hugs,
    Kari

    • Thanks Kari! He’s sitting here with me now. We’ve taken a break from ‘trying’ to learn and are just playing. I am going to just go back to Montessori style…I’ve set out certain creative, fun and educational toys for him to choose what he wants to play with. We’ve talked about p starting the word pig today and he understood that. We went out and got up close to a cow, he thought that was awesome and moo’d and called out for the cow to ‘come.’ Being Valentines day I gave him a giant monkey balloon, with the string cut short so he won’t get wrapped up in it…and we are talking about hearts…about to go cut one out together. Much happier day. I am working on finding games in the HPtablet. They are not as good as what IPAD has but we have a few. He loves playing games on the tablet. So glad to have you for encouragement and ideas. I know I shouldn’t let ‘bad’ days get to me but sometimes my heart breaks, just a little! lots of love, Wendy

      • I was thinking about you today. I just have to say how proud I am of you. I have seen families that don’t try because it is too hard. I am so thankful that you are willing to try.. even when it kicks your ass (pardon the french).

        Playing IS learning. When it is fun, they don’t even realize that they are learning. In our classroom we have LOTS of fun!! … educational and FUN!!

        You have every right to have bad days. They happen… and you have every right to blog about it.

        I love how you love him… (can you share his name or initial so that I have something to call him… maybe a nickname?)

        Have a great night! Hugs, Kari

      • LOL! I wrote a blog and tried to add a picture but it just disappeared. I am not sure what I am doing sometimes. His name is Connor and I do love him more than words express. We have his official autism diagnosis appointment on Friday, so it is appreciated if you keep him in thoughts and/or prayers. I don’t mind what they say or find out, but it’s a little harder on his mom. All I want is that we know the truth and learn the best way to move forward from here. I will toss up a blog and pic of him later this evening…as I am being called away from the computer today! 🙂 It is nice to consider you a friend! Not sure what I expected when I started blogging but finding you has been above and beyond wonderful! Thank you for support!
        Wendy

  2. All my love to you and Connor and your family! I will definitely be thinking about you all tomorrow!

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