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April 10, 2012

It’s been awhile since I wrote in here. It’s been awhile since I felt able to be still and write… Lots has happened, it just seemed too much to allow myself to find a safe, calm place to focus and think about something worth reading. I haven’t had Connor much lately. He’s been home with his mom and future dad quite a lot. I miss him with all my heart. He was here on Wednesday night. It was a rather awesome visit. He seemed so content with everything, happy and obviously trying harder to communicate, whether it was to ask me to play ball or just curl up with me…he felt more grown up. At one point he sat at the kitchen island and pointed at the banana’s saying, “Look!” I somewhat ignored him, simply responding, “yep those are banana’s.” As I walked past him, he shrugged and said, “well, can I have a banana?” I nearly fell over….a full and totally proper question! Hurray! I was thrilled! He even tossed out a few other small but complete statements. I’m not sure what is happening but he is absolutely starting to try to communicate more. I haven’t seen him since that day, thankfully he will be back to me tomorrow! I’ve missed him so much! During the week apart, my hubby was away, working construction…in todays times you take what you can, where you can and say thanks! My 16 year old came home burning up with a fever and in pain, turned out to be strep…that Thursday night after getting home from the doctor we noticed that local news on FB stated a young two and half year old boy had gone missing…he went missing from very near by. I followed it for awhile, by nightfall I had started to feel panic. He’s not mine, I’ve never set eyes on him but I am finding it hard to breathe. It was dark, a storm was coming and this young boy was still missing. We contacted everybody we could think of and asked them to start praying. I contacted my oldest daughter to find out if we could gather people and help search…by mid-night they were looking for people to help search but my 16 year old was burning up. I chose to stay with her but proceeded to feel guilt and stress. I sat up all night. At 8:00 I was on my way to search. That poor baby…outside in the weather, in the dark, alone! We were super blessed actually; all the towns around us had thunderstorms beating down, with hail and heavy rain…we got lightening, in the distance…a little thunder…no real rain, just drizzle and no hail. I think prayer is an awesome thing…God really was good to this town, to that boy! I had only just arrived with my group to begin our search area when we got the call, “he’s been found, ALIVE!” I wept with joy and relief. On the way to start the search I was hit with vivid pictures of him drowning, or finding him dead. Horrible thoughts and fears were setting in. I was saying outwardly to others, ‘the weather was amazing, the way it held off…he’s so going to be okay when we find him!’ Internally I was not calm! I’m sure they noticed, what with the tears that would flow every now and the fact I could not choke out a response to questions at times. Who would think that a child one has never met could set off so much emotion. When I returned home I continued to follow the news, posting when I could…any truths they had to offer in regards to Austin Frey. He is home, he is safe, he is healthy. It feels a huge miracle. I just do not understand why it is that last night is the first night I have slept since this happened. I don’t know the baby, I am certain I shouldn’t feel this deep of an emotion. Easter came, Easter went…My husband came home…and still I feel like I’ve walked through something so testing, so draining. It is affecting everything in my life and I can’t explain why. It makes no sense. All I know is that I feel like I am dreaming and I just can’t wake up. When I drift into real dreams I am walking through woodlands searching for a child…sometimes Austin, sometimes my grandson…the dreams are always really nightmares and never take me someplace pretty. I am so thankful Austin is safe and well! I am hoping that last nights sleep is the start of my mind and body accepting that nothing bad has happened here…and will allow me to ‘feel’ peaceful and calm again! Maybe tomorrow when I get to hold Connor in my arms again I will finally click! For now, I just wanted to write would I could, to keep up with others out there. I promise to wake up and be back with more ‘happy’ words soon!

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From → A Day In Life...

2 Comments
  1. Wow! It isn’t strange at all that you are feeling so strongly for a boy that you never met. You are a kind soul and could actually feel what those parents/grandparents/family must have been feeling. I also believe that since you haven’t had Connor as much, you are feeling a bit lost without him.

    The universe is full of connections that we can’t explain. Emotions are so strong they can draw us in from miles away. You are a beautiful soul that can pick up on this. It may not be fun, but it is something we can get through.

    Connor is so lucky to have you. You WILL wake up once you hold him again!!

    Hugs to you and your family. Missed you!

  2. You were right, the nightmares stopped after getting Connor back in my arms. I still see the little one’s picture every now and then feel like I just need to give him a hug to let him know how valuable he is…but I’m sure his family and friends have hugged his little body to the point of exhaustion by now! So here’s me, sending a boy I’ve never set eyes on physically, a giant air hug {{{{{{{Austin}}}}}}}} and releasing myself from feeling a need to be sure he is really and truly safe! Moving on with life…
    It’s really sweet that you still stop by here and read my stuff. I think I only made a 100 typo’s on that last one!

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